Friday, November 30, 2007

A Bag of Hot Air (not meaning me)



Thanksgiving morning we woke up late. While making breakfast Kate asked, "What's that noise?" I thought it was our washing machine breaking, but she insisted that it was coming from outside. I opened the front door and stepped out to find, just fifty feet over my head, a huge air baloon. I grabbed Samantha and rushed her out to take a look. Soon Patrick appeared and we watched, and the baloonist appeared to be in distress. He was tangled in a tree in a yard next to the church. He freed himself and landed in the church parking lot. P threw on his flip flops and ran down to take a look with me hot on his tail reminding him that he was in shorts and a t-shirt. We arrived in the parking lot about the time the chase truck pulled in. They changed fuel tanks and passengers, and then took off again. It was an exciting morning for Mr.P.






Though I forgot to take the camera to Idaho, we did get some pictures on Thanksgiving.










Mac usually wear rose colored glasses for Broncos games, but since he misplaced them Samantha loaned him her shades. It didn't change his demeanor or the outcome...

Monday, November 26, 2007

Turkey and Potatoes

I spent the majority of Thanksgiving weekend with my kids in Idaho. While last year’s trip to Disneyland over the holiday was good fun, it was nice to spend some time with my family this year. I had hoped to be at the Shirley’s for Thanksgiving dinner, but my mother in law had scheduled a photographer to come to her home on Thursday, so we weren’t able to get away. They had to do the family photo on Thanksgiving because Jim and Pilu weren’t going to be able to be in town from Denver until then. But then they didn’t come at all. Oh, well.

We left late Thursday night, much to Kate’s dismay. She was afraid that I’d fall asleep at the wheel and crash. I think she was satisfied when my sister Kat agreed to go up with us. That way I’d have a co-pilot. The first thing Kat did when I picked her up was to pop in her iPod and doze off. So much for a co-pilot. But the kids slept, and we arrived in one piece without stopping.

Friday morning we participated in one of the oldest Shirley traditions (even older than playing guitars on the front porch and reminiscing about ‘The Flood’). We donned several layers of clothing and drove up to Island Park to cut Christmas trees. Though I didn’t need a tree for myself (don’t ask, there’s still hard feelings about it) I went up to cut a tree for Mac.

The snow was shallow (I guess Al gore was right) and we were able to go off road further than we ever had before. Because we were so far back we had a better selection of trees. I was picky, passing up several. Finally, near the top of a hill I found a beauty. It was full, no holes, and just the right height. I cut it down, only to realize that I was far from camp and had Samantha with my. I was thankful I had left Bean at Grandma’s with Alley. Because of several fallen trees I couldn’t drag the tree, though it was downhill. I had to pick it up and lift it over each fallen log. Samantha was a trooper, climbing over and ducking under the logs, falling down several times without a complaint.

After we got the trees we enjoyed Aunt Cathy’s pumpkin roll (another staple of the trip) while standing around the fire. Patrick wanted to put the fire out before we left, but we didn’t let him. The smell of burning urine is pretty nasty.

We spent the rest of the weekend visiting with relatives, shouting over the TV that Grandpa keeps at a high decibel level. We overdosed on turkey and sports, often at the same time. Once I even spit turkey on the screen from across the room while yelling at the Utah/BYU football game, where BYU narrowly and luckily escaped from my Utes at the last second. We couldn’t get Jazz games, and had to resort to the ticker for updates, but fortunately the Jazz won both games.

Another tradition of the weekend is board games. And with the board games comes my cheating. I don’t like to lose, so I look for any opening for an extra advantage. I make Bill Belechik look honest. Alley and Kat thought that they had be playing fair, but they were fooled. Jeff and Chas weren’t there, so there were no temper tantrums or fisticuffs.

The kids had a great time helping Aunt Jan put up Grandma’s Christmas tree and ice skating the frozen ditches. They don’t get to spend a lot of time with the Shirleys, so I take every opportunity I get, and I am always glad I did. Grandma just loved how much Whitney doted on her. I don’t think Grandpa enjoys the great-grandkids quite as much. It may be Rexburg Idaho, but Ross lives like he is in the tropics. Had there been any snow I would have gladly shoveled it, just to get outside to cool down. He kept getting after the great-grandkids (mine and Alley’s) to stop playing with the heater. Each time he did the heat was turned up. I think it was an adult who kept turning it down, blaming it on the kids, but I can’t prove it. I love being around Grandpa because he tells some of the funniest stories and he won’t hesitate to say what he thinks about someone.

All in all it was a good weekend, and a good time was had by all. As you can see I forgot my camera. But hey, no trip is perfect.

Thursday, November 22, 2007



10-4

Since Whitney's birthday (10) and Samantha's (4) are so close together, I decided to post pictures of both parties at the same time. I don't have any pictures of the pinata from Samantha's party because she crushed it open with one swing of the bat. She makes me proud...

Saturday, November 10, 2007

A Little Home Improvement


Ho! It is I, Onmibot 2000! You thought you’d heard the last of me. Even I thought that I was bound for the landfill. But no, I have reinvented myself. After that oaf Chris Shirley broke my arm off I wondered how I would be able to support myself. Who would ever be able to make use of a one-armed robot? I needed to find a job where I wouldn’t need both of my arms. Then it hit me: Construction! As a general contractor I wouldn’t need any arms, because I wouldn’t even have to work. I could make everyone else do the work. My first job was the Shirley home (they owed me that much after the grief they caused me).

Earlier this summer Kate decided that the house needed a new coat of paint. That’s how they all start: Small and simple. But a coat of paint quickly became a complete facelift of the entire house, and when Kate was at a point of despair over the size of the project lo and behold, Omnibot appeared to save the day!

My first order of business was to hire someone to do all of the dirty work. I already had that lout Chris Shirley lined up for the grunt work, but had to bring in Dale “Stretch” Shirley for the skilled work, since his son didn’t inherit his superior manual labor skills.

After the painting was done we had to change all of the outlets and switches. We couldn’t have ivory outlets and bright white baseboard paint. That would be tacky! Chris Shirley, the ruffian, did most of the electrical switches, and of course he swapped them while the outlets were hot. He wouldn’t admit to getting bit, but I know better. There’s a reason all of his hair is falling out…
The biggest upgrade was the kitchen. I talked Kate into buying cabinets from Ikea to save money so that she could afford to pay for my services. The cabinets came flat packed, and I supervised Chris ‘Goombah’ Shirley as he assembled them all in his family room.

We were under a time crunch, as the granite guy was coming on Monday to measure for the counter tops, and as of Friday night we hadn’t even done the demolition of the old kitchen. I forced the boor Chris Shirley to work from 6PM Friday night to 10PM Saturday night with only a sleep break between 4 and 8 AM. His friend Menlove came over to help with the demo, and accidentally tripped a breaker when he ripped off the counter not realizing that there was a plug underneath. I guess fools run in packs. From that point forward anytime something went wrong, the ditz Chris Shirley blamed it on Menlove.

Stretch came over and set the lower cabinets, a job that would have taken many days had any of us tried to do it. Kate had to be expelled from the construction zone several times because of her lack of faith in Stretch’s abilities. I chastised her several times, telling her that she should know after all of these years that her father-in-law was infallible when it came to home improvement jobs. The pecker Chris Shirley and Menlove mounted the upper cabinets without incident, which was a surprise to me.

I really love the no-slam cabinet doors and drawers. They will come in handy when I am sleeping off an all-night ‘bender’ because the Shirley kids won’t be disturbing me when slamming drawers while foraging for food.

Overall the renovation was a smashing success. With my oversight skills the Shirleys have moved from cheap and shoddy beautiful and well crafted.

But the piece de resistance was the fireplace. The Shirleys have had a beautiful cherry mantelpiece sitting in their garage under a blanket for many years. Finally they are able to show it off! I did have to force Kate to give up the pink hue of her family room in favor of a more complimentary shit-brittle-brown. I was able to coach Stretch through the intricacies of fireplace installation, and the end result was a cozy flame that brings a warmth to the room and makes it feel complete. I even moved the gas line myself and of course I huffed a little of the gas in the process...

I must admit I am puzzled at some of the antics of Kate and her boorish husband. Throughout the project I found painted messages that read ‘KT Rules’, ‘Papa Rules’ and ‘Mama sucks’ behind refrigerators and behind cabinets and under mantelpieces. The next poor sod who comes along to renovate that house will find these messages and think that the two previous owners hated each other. I did manage to get in on the hidden messages, though. We added a counter support under the windows in the form of some 2X4s. On one I wrote ‘If you can read this…’ and on the other I added ‘…you have a lot of work to do.’ The man who set the counter tops saw my message, but the dullard failed to see my humor.

I have included some before, during and after pictures. I hope you enjoy. I am available for hire, but only if your work needs coincide with Stretch’s free time.

Yes indeed, life has worked out for me. I have settled into my comfortable new life as a general contractor. I have been renting a room from the Shirleys and have even found myself a little lady. I call her ‘Paris’ and she is the firebrand that burns my heart. It’s amazing how a robot can find peace with a cushy job and a love waiting at home…
A common sight in the old kitchen
Come, come, Kate. Don't look so forlorn! This too shall pass.
No, a bomb hadn't gone off. We lived like fugitives for a few days.
Now order has been restored.

We called in Grandpa Mike to take care of the 'dump runs'

Me, relaxing with Paris...

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

My Opinion Matters...




...And Not Just Because I Voted




The following opinion piece ran in today's Salt Lake Tribune. It generated 52 comments, most favorable, some not so much. I even got a comment from the woman I called out in the article. One online commenter called me a 'bad mormon' for my view. He obviously missed what I was saying. The best comment I got said "Chris, if more Mormons thought like you, the Great Divide would be much smaller. Thank you." The Trib allows readers to rate stories with a thumbs up or thumbs down. This one got 51 thumbs up out of 57 votes. I even got a phone call from some guy thanking me for this piece.

Monday, November 05, 2007



A little Slow


Most good parents had Halloween pictures of their kids up on blogs on November first. I've been a little busy. More on that next week. In the mean time enjoy some pictures of my three clowns and fireman.


'Can't sleep...clowns will eat me...Can't sleep...clowns will eat me...'

Some clowns don't know that they are supposed to cry on the inside...


Ask Kate if she really carved the jack-o-lanterns with a sawzall and a drill...


Mr P. lost his first tooth this week. I told him it was from eating too much Halloween candy and that he should give me the rest of his loot. He didn't buy it.

Kate took the kids to the kid's place at Ikea this week and while she signed them in one of the girls there turned to P and jokingly asked "Are you Samantha?"

He didn't pick up on their humor and replied in an irritated tone. "I am not a chick."

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