A Child Model?

My mother-in-law has been hounding me lately. That's nothing new. But this time she is trying to convince me that my 4 year old son Patrick should be a model because of his stunning good looks. I have been resisting mostly I am skeptical of the whole 'child model' thing. Secondly I hesitate because since Patrick is her first grandson, and my only son we are of course biased in thinking that he's the most handsome little devil on the face of the earth. So now I throw it out to you who are not biased. Peruse the following pictures and tell me if it is worth it or not. And be honest. I wouldn't put it out there if I wasn't prepared for some negative feedback.

I tried to find recent pictures that are representative of his elvish look and his long eyelashes. But it is hard to find good pictures of him because 1) he always has a black eye, stitches or a broken arm, 2) he has food on his face or 3) he has a scowl that could intimidate Satan himself. And you'll see that I threw in a few pictures just because they amuse me.

So post a comment with your opinion, or e-mail me at cshirley_97@msn.com

Taking the High Road

I have been riding the train to and from work fairly regularly for the past 7 years, ever since Salt Lake City opened its light rail system. Since I am an employee of the University of Utah I have the small fortune of riding the train and busses for free. I love it. I don’t have to fight traffic, so I arrive at work relaxed, rather than all worked up. But most of all I pay very little for gas. With the recent increases in gas prices I find that more and more people in our little city are using mass transit.



I don’t mind the increase of people using the train. I love to watch people and their little idiosyncrasies. I actually wish that more people would use public transportation. But that’s the problem. Here in SLC there is a horrible stigma attached to those who use mass transit. In major cities no one will think twice if you start a story with, “I was on the train this morning…” But here it is different. When I mention that I ride the train to work I get a look. The look is somewhere between “Can’t you afford a car?” and “Are you some tree hugger who is too good to drive?” Many of the people I work with drive SUVs and complain incessantly about gas prices. But what they really are doing is emphasizing that they have an expensive vehicle that is expensive to operate. It is a status symbol to complain about how much they are spending on gas. When you think about it, the whole idea is pretty stupid. People will not commute on a mass level because they think it would be demeaning. When in reality I would think more of them if they would leave the SUV at home.
Sometimes I suggest that people choose the train over driving, just to see what kind of excuse I will get. The excuses range from, “I don’t live close to a train station” to “The schedules are too hard to understand” to “The mass transit is too unreliable” and my favorite “It takes too much time”. I’m still waiting for an excuse that makes sense.
I constantly hear people rant about how much money is to be spent on extensions for the light rail system. People tell me that it is a waste to spend any more money on public transportation in Salt Lake. They say that public transportation will never take off in this city. And I think that they are right. People in this city are too much in love with their cars. Need proof? The lovely elected officials of this city recently voted down a measure to include dental coverage for Medicaid recipients. In the same breath they approved a measure for the funds needed to build a new parking facility for them on Capitol Hill. So those who are most in need of dental care won’t be able to get it, but our lawmakers at least won’t have to suffer the indignity of parking their cars outside.
So for the time being I will make use of my train time by studying for school or napping while my co-workers, who have free bus and train passes complain about the cost of commutting.

Answer the damn question! If you’re looking for a job pay attention…

This week has been a real pain. I equate this week to gas pains. Sometimes you can feel the gas in your gut, and though you try, and the gas is causing really painful cramping, you just can’t let it go. But when you are finally able to break wind, you are so happy to be rid of it that you forgot how painful it really was. That’s how this week was. Now that the long weekend has arrived (those of us who live in Utah get Monday off due to ‘Pioneer Day’) the aggravation of the past week is starting to fade.

I spent this week interviewing candidates for an open position on my team and simultaneously interviewing for a promotion for myself. It’s an entry-level position I am trying to fill, but I still can’t understand why it is so hard to find good help these days.

Human Resources claims that they are screening applications before sending them to me, but all that means is that 1) the person has some kind of post-high school education or 2) they have some experience. That’s it.

I compare the hiring process to American Idol. When applications come to me it is like the first auditions of the show. Some get my approval, some may not have my blessing but show promise and therefore get squeaked by to the next round, and others are like William Hung.

The first screening of mine has nothing to do with skills or abilities. On my first pass I simply look at the quality of the application. It’s not that difficult, but it amazes me how many people can’t fill out an application. When you apply for a job on our website, the program walks you through the application, and people still screw it up. If people don’t follow the directions, or repeatedly misspell words, they are out. I don’t care if they have a PhD. It always makes me laugh when someone has filled out an application incorrectly, but notes, “I am detail oriented.” Detail oriented? Like when the application says, “Education (post-high school only)” and you listed “East High School, 2002”? It’s a little thing, but it drives me crazy.

After the first pass, I walk away from my desk, to resume the screening later. Those who filled out the applications properly have their tickets to L.A., (so to speak) and a chance to make the next cut. When I return to the screening I begin to look at experience. I work in a hospital, so I look for related experience, but I won’t necessarily exclude someone if they don’t have it. Customer Service is a big deal in what we do, so that accounts for a lot. Once I have this cut down I will call for interviews.

Just because I call a person doesn’t mean that they get an in-person interview. The phone call is the verbal interview. I tell the applicant about the job, the hours, the dress code, the holiday coverage, the organization and some expectations. If in the course of the conversation the person indicates to me that it might not work out, I find it is best to just say to the person, “This doesn’t sound like a good fit for you because…” It is more honest and saves a lot of wasted time. Also when it comes to the phone interview, people get one call. That’s it. I will leave a message and a phone number if he or she doesn’t answer, but I don’t chase people down, regardless of how good the application is. The oneness is on the applicant, and if he or she is not going to return my phone call, then I know that he or she won’t be any good to my department in follow-through. On to the next round.

This is the face to face interview. This is show time. When people perform poorly at this stage I wish that I could be like Simon Cowell and say something like, “This is your big chance, and I just wasn’t impressed.” Or “That was awful.” If someone is late to the interview he or she is going to have to be damn good in the interview to get through. Presentation is a big deal to me. Dress appropriately. I don’t want to see your boobs, nor do I want to see you in a shirt that looks like you just pulled it out of the bottom of your laundry hamper. It sounds mean, but that’s how it is. If a person presents at a job interview looking hung over, what is going to happen on a day to day basis?

The most important thing to me in an interview is whether or not a person can answer the question. I don’t ask a lot of questions, but all of my questions ask for specific examples. For example, I say, “Tell me about a specific time where you had to handle high stress on a recent job. Tell me about the people involved, the circumstances and how you were able to handle the situation.” When people give an answer like, “I think I handle stress well. I have a hectic job now, and I never let it bother me.” I think that’s great, but it doesn’t help me find out about you, except that you are not paying attention. And I don’t prod. Some people will prod an applicant for additional information. If I get a partial answer, I will let it stand. I will always pause to give him or her an opportunity to elaborate, but if not, that’s fine.

I also look for honesty. If I say, “Sometimes people just need a hand. Tell me about a time where you were able to extend that kind of support to a person with whom you worked.” If you don’t have an example, say so. It doesn’t mean you will get a poor score for that question. Nobody has all the answers, so just be honest. I can tell when an applicant is bullshitting me.

I find that I am always more satisfied with applicants who ask questions. I ask the applicant if he or she has any questions at the beginning and conclusion of the interview. People sometimes forget that an interview goes both ways. While I am looking for the best fit for a job, the applicant should also be evaluating whether or not they truly want the job. When someone doesn’t ask questions about my management style, more detailed questions about the job, or the direction of the department, I wonder if he or she wants any job, or this job. Some of the best interactions I have had have been started by the applicant asking a question.

Don’t curse in an interview. It shows a lack of professionalism. Also, don’t use derogatory language. I had an applicant who continually referred to his female co-workers as “The chicks in my office.” No wonder he was looking for a new job. I have had applicants use terms such as, “the guy that I think was gay”, “dick” and “bitch.” You may laugh, but people have said it.
And for the love of all that is holy, please refrain from using the word, “like” more than one time per answer. I would prefer that you just tear out my fingernails than say that word in every sentence.

It won’t prevent you from being invited back for a second interview, but if there is any uncertainty eat a mint before coming in. Thank you.

After each interview I review my rubric and give a letter grade based on the answers given and other things such as punctuality. Then I look at the top three candidates (and sometimes more if there was a greater pool of talent) and green light them to the next round.

This round doesn’t involve the applicants, at least not at the current time. At this point it is all about the applicant’s past. References are a big deal. Early on I made some mistakes by not paying enough attention to references. The thing I hate most about the reference stage is that most employers won’t give a reference. Nobody wants an applicant to claim that he or she did not get a job because a previous employer gave a bad reference. It’s stupid and in this litigious society a necessary policy. If you work(ed) for an employer who won’t give a reference, you need to provide a reference list of three or so people who can vouch for your integrity. And don’t list your mother. Again, you laugh, but they’ve tried it. It may seem harsh, but I won’t bring someone forward unless I get a fair and objective reference. I’ve been burned too many times before. Honesty again is big here. If you list John Smith as a former supervisor, I don’t want to hear from John Smith that he wasn’t really your boss, but he worked in the same department. It raises red flags.

After the references check out the top candidates go on to the final round. This is their last chance to perform their song and dance. And I have nothing to do with this round. Just like American Idol I let the public decide. I take a team of three high performers from my employees and let them conduct the peer interview. We’ve been doing this for about two years now, and I love it. It gives the employees a chance to have some stake in the success or failure of a new employee. When employees select the new hire, they want that new hire to be successful and are more willing to take them under their wing. I have found that it really does reduce the amount of “eating of the young” that is so often the case. Another side benefit of the peer interviews is that it takes me out of the role of bad guy for those not selected. I know it’s awful, but the applicants know the peers made the decision, so I can call the runners-up and break the news to them with less pain. It’s completely selfish on my part.

Even if you get all the way to the final interview and didn’t get the job, a quick thank-you note can go a long way. I am not soliciting chocolates, flowers or any other kind of gifts. But I have had cases where I have had three well qualified applicants for one open position, and I have forwarded applications of those not selected to my co-workers. If I get a thank-you card or e-mail I will send it on with the application.
It may seem like I am a real jerk because of how harsh I am in the interview process. As my mother-in-law likes to remind me, I am a “real horse’s ass!” I have been told by many who have interviewed with me that I am very difficult to read. But it is important to me to get the right person for the right job. I have no doubts that I have passed on people that might have been a help to my team simply because they blew the interview (or blown it even earlier). I also know that some people have been able to slip in to positions even though they don’t deserve to be there. But by being strict in my hiring practices I find that I can keep this to a minimum. I really think that I am doing something right. During my tenure in my current position, I have had ten employees that I have brought on to my team who have been promoted to supervisor or manager within our department, and more who have been promoted to other departments. Currently we have ten supervisors in the department excluding me, and six of them have reported to me. I don’t say this as a brag. I say it because it validates to me that I am getting the highest quality people.
I really do like to help people. If you would like to contact me to discuss this further, if there is something that you think I can help you with, or even if you want to argue with me, please do so. I would love to discuss it. cshirley97@msn.com

Read to the Children


Recently my wife took the Bean to a well-child checkup. While the pediatrician was examining Bean Patrick and Samantha started to amuse themselves by looking at some of the children’s books sitting in the office. The doctor asked, “You and your husband read to your children, don’t you?” Kate answered that we do, and asked why she would ask that question. The pediatrician answered that she can tell children who are read to from those who are not based on how they pretend to read when they are too young. I was happy to hear that because I go out of my way to spend time reading with my kids. Whitney is 8 now and old enough to read to me, but the other three depend on my and my wife to give them an appreciation for books. Reading is very important to me, and I hope that my kids also get that appreciation.


This is a picture of me reading Faulkner to Bean. Though she’s too young to speak, I am careful when reading Faulkner to omit any of the many racial slurs in his text. While I’ve been in school I haven’t been able to read as much to my kids. Many of the books that I read for my English classes aren’t really appropriate for younger readers. I found that Marcel Proust’s Swann’s Way was really good to read aloud when I wanted them to go to sleep. It knocked Whitney right out. Children don’t really have an appreciation for Chrétien de Troyes’ Arthurian Romances or Laurence Sterne’s Tristram Shandy, but my hope is that they will remember being read to.

Last fall I took a class on children’s literature in the Victorian Age. We studied some of the more well-known books like the Grimms’ Fairy Tales, Carlo Collodi’s Pinocchio, J.D. Barrie’s Peter Pan, Lewis Carroll’s Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Kipling’s Jungle Books. We also studied some less known books like George MacDonald’s The Light Princess (illustrated by Maurice Sendak), John Ruskin’s The King of the Golden River and Heinrich Hoffmann’s Struwwelpeter. I enjoyed that class because I could read my homework to my kids, and they were entertained while I was gaining an appreciation for many of the books I never read as a child.

It always brings a smile to my face when I see that one of my kids has fallen asleep while reading a book. I have done the same thing on many occasions, and still do.

Samantha at least makes sure to put her books back in her backpack (still strapped to her shoulders) before going to sleep. Many times after Kate reads the scriptures to Whitney she will ask Whit to recap what was just read. More often than not Whit can’t tell Kate what was just read, but I am okay with that. I usually can’t understand scripture myself! Whitney loves to read and will take the opportunity to read to anyone who will listen. Samantha is usually the only taker to Whit’s offer. Patrick can’t sit still long enough to hear a story.


Even if my kids don’t gain an appreciation for reading from us, it is my hope that by starting them young in regard to reading that they will be better off. I cannot imagine that they can but be helped by being exposed to reading and books at a younger age. But even if they are not helped in their educations by starting younger, at least they will remember the time that Kate and I have spent with them, which is just as important to me.

I realize that I haven't posted in quite a while, but there is a good reason for that. Recently one of my employees commented that it is almost uncanny the way that I can pull out a movie quote for any occasion. I don't think it is uncanny. It's sad. I have so much useless information in my head from spending hours on end watching films that there is little room for anything else. So I decided over the last few weeks when a line from a film popped up I'd write it down, and compile it for your veiwing pleasure.

A few things to note about this list: First, any time you include something in a list you exclude others. This is not a comprehensive list of all of my favorites. It's a sample. Second, you'll see quotes from films and think of other quotes from the same film and say, "Hey, what about this one." Personally I think that some of the most famous quotes are the worst. I think that often times the best quotes come from the smaller characters and from the most obscure films. Third I'd like to point out that most often these quotes are never to be used in a serious sense. For example if I was to include the Jerry Maguire line, "You had me from hello." You need to know that I would only use it on someone to make fun of them.

The only order to this list is the order in which they popped into my head. If you see a quote and can't figure out why it is memorable, it may be because of the context. I suggest renting the film and seeing for yourself. Or you can post a comment to me and I will explain. So without further ado, please enjoy.

Chris

“You’re mom goes to college.” -Kip Dynamite (Aaron Ruell) Napoleon Dynamite

“How come I have to be Mr. Pink?”
“Cause you’re a faggot!” -Mr. Pink (Steve Buscemi) and Joe Cabot (Lawrence
Tierney) Reservoir Dogs

“If I was a butt-cowboy I wouldn’t throw you to the posse.” Mr. Blonde (Michael
Madsen) Reservoir Dogs

“Now y’all without sin, can cast the first stone.” -H.I. McDunnough (Nicolas Cage)
Raising Arizona

“You take the diaper off of your head and you put it back onto your sister!” -Dot
(Frances McDormand) Raising Arizona

“I don’t know! They were jammies! They had yodas and shit on ‘em!” -Nathan Arizona
Huffhines Sr. (Trey Wilson) Raising Arizona

“Would you buy furniture from a place called ‘Unpainted Huffhines’?” -Nathan
Arizona Huffhines Sr. (Trey Wilson) Raising Arizona

“Is it Friday already?” -Todd Hockney (Kevin Pollak) The Usual Suspects

“The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”
-Roger ‘Verbal’ Kint (Kevin Spacey) The Usual Suspects

“Do you have any tobacco?” -Nobody (Gary Farmer) Dead Man

“Yippee Ki Yah, mother (expletive)” –John McClane (Bruce Willis) Die Hard

“Hey everybody! We landed on the moon!” -Lloyd Christmas (Jim Carey) Dumb and
Dumber

“I ain’t got time to bleed.” -Blain (Governor Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura) Predator

“Ernest Hemmingway once wrote ‘The world is a fine place, and worth fighting for.’ I
agree with the second part.” -Detective Lt. William Somerset (Morgan Freeman) Seven

“I doubt they’ll kick up any fuss. Not for an old con like me.” -Ellis Boyd ‘Red’
Redding (Morgan Freeman) The Shawshank Redemption

“Don’t make me laugh. Ha, ha ha!” -Danny Zuko (John Travolta) Grease

“It’s just a flesh wound!...C’mon you pansy!” -The Black Knight (John Cleese) Monty
Python and the Holy Grail

“You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to have your face kicked in by me. You have the right to have your balls stomped by him.”
“I’ll waive my rights.” -Fletch (Chevy Chase) and the detectives Fletch

“Why don’t you guys go down the to gym and pump each other?” -Fletch (Chevy Chase)
Fletch

“You usin’ the whole fist, doc?” -Fletch (Chevy Chase) Fletch

“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” -Rhett Butler (Clark Gable) Gone with the Wind

“Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she had to walk into mine.” –Rick
Blaine (Humphrey Bogart) Casablanca

“Rosebud…” –Charles Foster Kane (Orson Welles) Citizen Kane

“I love the smell of napalm in the morning!” -Lieutenant Colonel Bill Kilgore (Robert
Duvall) Apocalypse Now

“I’m ready for my close-up Mr. DeMille.” -Norma Desmond (Gloria Swanson) Sunset
Boulevard)

“You know I could have been in the NSA, but they found out my parents were married.”
-Martin Bishop (Robert Redford) Sneakers

“So, she's a dog...” –Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray) Ghostbusters

“We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!” –Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray) Ghostbusters

“What about the twinkie?” –Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray) Ghostbusters

“Looks like Chuck’s taking her for a ride on the old baloney pony!...Looks like Chuck’s a
tomcat on the prowl! Meow!...He's taking her to the one-eyed optometrist!” -Grandpa Gustafson (Burgess Meredith) Grumpy Old Men

“Excuse me. I believe that you have my stapler.” Milton Waddums (Stephen Root)
Office Space

“Looks like somebody’s got a case of the Mondays!” -Secretary Office Space

“I got the memo!” -Peter Gibbons (Ron Livingston) Office Space

“Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh - after that I sorta space out for an hour…Yeah, I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too, I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.” -
Peter Gibbons (Ron Livingston) Office Space

“There can be only one!” -Connor MacLeod (Christopher Lambert) The Highlander

“What are you reading?”
“Great Expectations.”
“Is it any good?”
“It’s not what I had hoped for.” -Rabinowitz (Ryan Stiles) and Topper Harley
(Charlie Sheen) Hot Shots Part Deux

“I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.” -Dr. Rumack (Leslie Nielsen) Airplane

“Joey…you ever seen a grown man naked?...Joey…Do you like to watch movies about gladiators?...Joey…you ever been to a Turkish prison?...Joey…you like to hang around the locker room?” -Captain Oveur (Peter Graves) Airplane

“You have clearance Clarence.”
“Roger, Roger. What’s our vector, Victor?” Control tower and Captain Oveur
(Peter Graves) Airplane

“You have a rendezvous with my ass mother(expletive).” Frank Horrigan (Clint
Eastwood) In the Line of Fire

“He’s tall, blonde he smokes a cigar and he’s a pig.” -Tuco (Eli Wallach) The Good the
Bad and the Ugly

“God is not on our side because he hates idiots also.” The Man with no Name (Clint
Eastwood) The Good the Bad and the Ugly

“I like big fat men like you. When they fall they make more noise. And sometimes they don’t get up.” -Tuco (Eli Wallach) The Good the Bad and the Ugly

“When you have to shoot, shoot, don't talk.” -Tuco (Eli Wallach) The Good the Bad and
the Ugly

“Well, sir, you are a cowardly son of a bitch! You just shot an unarmed man.”
“He should have armed himself…” -Little Bill Daggett (Gene Hackman) and
William Munny (Clint Eastwood) Unforgiven

“I know what you're thinking. 'Did he fire six shots or only five?' Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?” Harry Callahan (Clint
Eastwood) Dirty Harry

“You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to me? Well, I'm the only one here.” -Travis Bickle (Robert
DeNiro) Taxi Driver

“You can get further with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word.” Al Capone (Robert DeNiro) Untouchables

“You will remember to wash your hands before you eat anything?” -Dr. Ian Malcom
(Jeff Goldblum) Jurassic Park

“You’re going to need a bigger boat.” -Police Chief Martin Brody (Roy Scheider) Jaws

"You shall not pass!” -Gandalf (Ian McKellen) The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

“’Empire had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All ‘Jedi' had was a bunch of Muppets.” -Dante Hicks (Brian O’Halloran) Clerks

“I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.” Randall Graves (Jeff Anderson)
Clerks

“Man! You are one pathetic loser.” Lloyd Christmas (Jim Carey) Dumb and Dumber

“That show ‘Cops’…I love it!” Gas Station Attendant (Blake Clark) Nothing to Lose

“I ain't through with you by damn sight. I'm a get medieval on your ass.” Marsellus Wallace (Ving Rhames) Pulp Fiction

“Oh I’m sorry. Did I break your concentration?” Jules (Samuel Jackson) Pulp Fiction

“The way your dad looked at it, this watch was your birthright. He'd be damned if any of the slopes were gonna get their greasy yellow hands on his boy's birthright. So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide something: his ass. Five long years, he wore this watch up his ass. Then when he died of dysentery, he gave me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable piece of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you.” Captain Koon (Christopher Walken) Pulp Fiction

“If I'm curt with you, it's because time is a factor here. I think fast, I talk fast, and I need you guys to act fast if you want to get out of this. So, pretty please, with sugar on top…” The Wolf (Harvey Keitel) Pulp Fiction

“Bring out the Gimp.” Zed (Peter Greene) Pulp Fiction

“What knockers!” Frederick Frankenstein (Gene Wilder) Young Frankenstein

“I like them French fried potaters.” Karl Childers (Billy Bob Thornton) Sling Blade

“Poor people are crazy, Jack. I'm eccentric.” Howard Payne (Dennis Hopper) Speed

“Actually I look like a can of smashed assholes.” Zane Zaminski (Charlie Sheen) The
Arrival

“It can’t rain all the time.” Eric Draven (Brandon Lee) The Crow

“They’re all dead. They just don’t know it yet.” Eric Draven (Brandon Lee) The Crow

“’Yes’ is a comfort. ‘Absolutely’ is not.” Katharine Clifton (Kristin Scott Thomas) The
English Patient

“I once traveled with a guide who was taking me to Faya. He didn't speak for nine hours. At the end of it he pointed to the horizon and said, "Faya!" That was a good day.” Count Laszlo de Almásy (Ralph Fiennes) The English Patient

“Anti-wrinkle cream there may be, but anti-fat-bastard cream there is not.” Dave (Mark
Addy) The Full Monty

“Do you spend time with your family? Good. Because a man that doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man.” Don Corleone (Marlon Brando) The Godfather

“I'll make him an offer he can't refuse.” Michael Corleone (Al Pacino) The Godfather

“Say hello to my little friend!” Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface

“Ever hear of a ritual killing? Gnaw on her face in public like that again and you'll be one.” Buck Russell (John Candy) Uncle Buck

“I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, and I'm coming looking for you! Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face!” Buck Russell (John Candy)
Uncle Buck

“Now you listen to me you fat tub of goo!” Dean Richmond (Larry Miller) The Nutty
Professor

“Death is…whimsical…today.” Detective Stansfield (Gary Oldman) The Professional

“Have you seen my…wiener?” Warren Jensen (W. Earl Brown) There’s Something
About Mary

“What about Brett Faaaavre?” Ted Stroehman (Ben Stiller) There’s Something About
Mary

“Frank ‘n Beans!” Warren Jensen (W. Earl Brown) There’s Something About Mary

“I work with retards.” Pat Healy (Matt Dillon) There’s Something About Mary

“I am Godzilla! You are Japan!” Critical Bill (Treat Williams) Things to do in Denver
When You’re Dead

“Let me see if I've got this straight: in order to be grounded, I've got to be crazy and I must be crazy to keep flying. But if I ask to be grounded, that means I'm not crazy any more and I have to keep flying.” Capt. John Yossarian (Alan Arkin) Catch 22

“Klaatu verata nicto!” Helen Benson (Patricia Neal) The Day the Earth Stood Still

“Now listen up, you primitive screwheads. See this? This... is my boomstick! The 12-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?” Ash (Bruce Campbell)
Army of Darkness

“Well HELLO Mr. Fancypants! I got news for you, pal. You ain’t leadin’ but two things right now. Jack and Shit. And Jack left town.” Ash (Bruce Campbell) Army of Darkness

“Sure, I could have stayed in the past. I could have even been king. But in my own way, I am king. Hail to the King, baby!” Ash (Bruce Campbell) Army of Darkness

“Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?” Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) Raiders of the
Lost Ark

“You want to talk to God? Let’s go see him together. I’ve got nothing better to do.”
Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) Raiders of the Lost Ark

“I…don’t….bargain.” Marshal Samuel Gerard (Tommy Lee Jones) The Fugitive

“Can somebody tell me what kind of a world we live in where a man dressed as a bat gets all of my press? This town needs an enema!” The Joker (Jack Nicholson) Batman

“Good morning, Dave” HAL 9000 (Douglas Rain) 2001: A Space Odyssey

“Wendy. I’m home.” Jack Torrence (Jack Nicholson) The Shining

“Redrum…redrum…redrum” Danny Torrence (Danny Lloyd) The Shining

“Gentlemen! You cannot fight in here! This is the war room!” President Merkin
Muffley (Peter Sellers) Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

“We can’t stop here. This is bat country!” Raoul Drake (Johnny Depp) Fear and
Loathing in Las Vegas

“Quite an experience to live in fear, isn't it? That's what it is to be a slave.” Roy Batty
(Rutger Hauer) Bladerunner

“It's too bad she won't live! But then again, who does?” Gaff (Edward James Olmos)
Bladerunner

“Hell of a situation we got here. Two on, two out, your team down a run and you've got the chance to be the hero on national television... if you don't blow it. Saw your wife last night. Great little dancer. That guy she was with? I'm sure he's a close personal friend, but tell me, what was he doing with her panties on his head?” Jake Taylor (Tom Berringer)
Major League

“Up your butt, Jobu” Eddie Harris (Chelcie Ross) Major League

“Y’a like dags?” Mickey O’Neil (Brad Pitt) Snatch

“Get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’” Red (Morgan Freeman) The Shawshank Redemption

“I’m a star, I’m a star, I’m a star.” Dirk Diggler (Mark Wahlberg) Boogie Nights

“This will be the high point of my day; it's all downhill from here.” Lester Burnham
(Kevin Spacey) American Beauty

“Not that I condone fascism, or any -ism for that matter. -Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in The Beatles, I just believe in me." Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus but it still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car!” Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick) Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

“I don’t trust this kid any further than I can throw him.”
“Well, with your bad knee, Ed you shouldn’t throw anybody.” Ed Rooney
(Jeffrey Jones) and Grace (Edie McClurg) Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

“Look upon me! I'll show you the life of the mind!” Charlie Meadows (John Goodman)
Barton Fink

“You know, for kids.” Norville Barnes The Hudsucker Proxy

“You two are just dumber than a bag of hammers.” Ulysses Everett McGill (George
Clooney) O Brother Where Art Thou?

“I'm a writer, you monsters! I create! I create for a living! I'm a creator! I am a creator!”
Barton Fink (John Turturro) Barton Fink