A Little Home Improvement

Ho! It is I, Onmibot 2000! You thought you’d heard the last of me. Even I thought that I was bound for the landfill. But no, I have reinvented myself. After that oaf Chris Shirley broke my arm off I wondered how I would be able to support myself. Who would ever be able to make use of a one-armed robot? I needed to find a job where I wouldn’t need both of my arms. Then it hit me: Construction! As a general contractor I wouldn’t need any arms, because I wouldn’t even have to work. I could make everyone else do the work. My first job was the Shirley home (they owed me that much after the grief they caused me).

Earlier this summer Kate decided that the house needed a new coat of paint. That’s how they all start: Small and simple. But a coat of paint quickly became a complete facelift of the entire house, and when Kate was at a point of despair over the size of the project lo and behold, Omnibot appeared to save the day!

My first order of business was to hire someone to do all of the dirty work. I already had that lout Chris Shirley lined up for the grunt work, but had to bring in Dale “Stretch” Shirley for the skilled work, since his son didn’t inherit his superior manual labor skills.

After the painting was done we had to change all of the outlets and switches. We couldn’t have ivory outlets and bright white baseboard paint. That would be tacky! Chris Shirley, the ruffian, did most of the electrical switches, and of course he swapped them while the outlets were hot. He wouldn’t admit to getting bit, but I know better. There’s a reason all of his hair is falling out…
The biggest upgrade was the kitchen. I talked Kate into buying cabinets from Ikea to save money so that she could afford to pay for my services. The cabinets came flat packed, and I supervised Chris ‘Goombah’ Shirley as he assembled them all in his family room.

We were under a time crunch, as the granite guy was coming on Monday to measure for the counter tops, and as of Friday night we hadn’t even done the demolition of the old kitchen. I forced the boor Chris Shirley to work from 6PM Friday night to 10PM Saturday night with only a sleep break between 4 and 8 AM. His friend Menlove came over to help with the demo, and accidentally tripped a breaker when he ripped off the counter not realizing that there was a plug underneath. I guess fools run in packs. From that point forward anytime something went wrong, the ditz Chris Shirley blamed it on Menlove.

Stretch came over and set the lower cabinets, a job that would have taken many days had any of us tried to do it. Kate had to be expelled from the construction zone several times because of her lack of faith in Stretch’s abilities. I chastised her several times, telling her that she should know after all of these years that her father-in-law was infallible when it came to home improvement jobs. The pecker Chris Shirley and Menlove mounted the upper cabinets without incident, which was a surprise to me.

I really love the no-slam cabinet doors and drawers. They will come in handy when I am sleeping off an all-night ‘bender’ because the Shirley kids won’t be disturbing me when slamming drawers while foraging for food.

Overall the renovation was a smashing success. With my oversight skills the Shirleys have moved from cheap and shoddy beautiful and well crafted.

But the piece de resistance was the fireplace. The Shirleys have had a beautiful cherry mantelpiece sitting in their garage under a blanket for many years. Finally they are able to show it off! I did have to force Kate to give up the pink hue of her family room in favor of a more complimentary shit-brittle-brown. I was able to coach Stretch through the intricacies of fireplace installation, and the end result was a cozy flame that brings a warmth to the room and makes it feel complete. I even moved the gas line myself and of course I huffed a little of the gas in the process...

I must admit I am puzzled at some of the antics of Kate and her boorish husband. Throughout the project I found painted messages that read ‘KT Rules’, ‘Papa Rules’ and ‘Mama sucks’ behind refrigerators and behind cabinets and under mantelpieces. The next poor sod who comes along to renovate that house will find these messages and think that the two previous owners hated each other. I did manage to get in on the hidden messages, though. We added a counter support under the windows in the form of some 2X4s. On one I wrote ‘If you can read this…’ and on the other I added ‘…you have a lot of work to do.’ The man who set the counter tops saw my message, but the dullard failed to see my humor.

I have included some before, during and after pictures. I hope you enjoy. I am available for hire, but only if your work needs coincide with Stretch’s free time.

Yes indeed, life has worked out for me. I have settled into my comfortable new life as a general contractor. I have been renting a room from the Shirleys and have even found myself a little lady. I call her ‘Paris’ and she is the firebrand that burns my heart. It’s amazing how a robot can find peace with a cushy job and a love waiting at home…

A common sight in the old kitchen

Come, come, Kate. Don't look so forlorn! This too shall pass.

No, a bomb hadn't gone off. We lived like fugitives for a few days.

Now order has been restored.

We called in Grandpa Mike to take care of the 'dump runs'

Me, relaxing with Paris...