What’s in a Name?

For those who don’t already know, Kate and I once again find ourselves deciding on baby names. We have decided that we will not find out the baby’s gender until the arrival date in May-ish. So we have to be prepared with both boy and girl names. Staying true to my word, I will not give away what our top picks are. I can say, however, that Kate still rules out my top pick for a girl name: Laverne Ann Shirley. We have also decided against some of Bean’s favorite picks: Derek, CC, Thurman, Mariano, Lou, Babe and Mickey.

As we sat around the kitchen table talking about names, the conversation soon turned toward maiden names, I’m not sure how. Kate explained to the kids why women (and sometimes men) take the names of their spouses when wed. Fortunately the kids didn’t ask me why I didn’t take Kate’s name when we were married. ‘Chris Christiansen’ just didn’t have a ring that resonated with me. Samantha twittered and giggled when Kate asked whose name she wanted to take when she got married, but wouldn’t answer.

Patrick then asked ‘Can I change my name?’ Having been really happy with the choice ‘Patrick’ I was taken back.

‘Why would you want to change your name?’ Kate asked.

Patrick’s demeanor suddenly changed and he burst into tears. ‘I hate my name!’ he said. ‘Every day when I get to school a kid named Isaac comes up to me and yells ‘get back to your TV show!’’

I stared at him for a moment until I made the connection: Patrick Starfish from SpongeBob Squarepants.

‘Seriously?’ asked, laughing despite his tears. ‘Patrick. When he says that to you, just point at him and laugh and say ‘You still watch SpongeBob? I stopped watching that when I was like 4!’’ This seemed to help him a bit.

‘Patrick’ Kate said. ‘It doesn’t matter if you change your name. He will still find some reason to tease you. When I was a kid I was Kathryn Mary Christiansen.’ The kids didn’t quite understand the Catholic school girl reference.

‘When you were a kid, did other kids call you ‘Chris Swirley’?’

‘Yes!’ I said. ‘And if anyone calls you that, you have my permission to give them one.’ This seemed to help, as the image of flushing someone made him laugh.

I don’t feel bad for Patrick, or any of my kids who get taunted because of their names. Surely it happens to everyone (and don’t call me ‘Shirley’). Even Whitney’s own jerk of a father refers to her as ‘Whitnerd’. I myself also remember giving as well as I got to my elementary school peers calling Donovan ‘Dorkovan’ and Dennis ‘Pennis’ and thinking that I was oh, so clever.

And I certainly won’t feel bad if I get a call from the principal to tell me that my son gave a swirley to someone who taunted him about his name…