Black (and Blue) Friday

Wednesday, 7:00 PM: Kate makes a reconnaissance mission to the local Target store to determine the location of the ‘door buster’ items.

Thursday (Thanksgiving) 4:00 PM: Kate breaks out her copy of the Target ads to show the family. All last minute requests are made, with the expectation that Kate will get add 10% to the cost of each item, as ‘hazard pay’.

11:55 PM: Kate leaves home to stake her claim in line.

Friday, 1:30 AM: Kate, who has been resting in her car, notices that a group of heavyweights has taken her place in the front of the line. She stares the ladies down as she unrolls her sleeping bag behind them.

3:45 AM: Store management makes a barricade from shopping carts and announces that line jumpers will be harshly punished. Kate calls Chris to come down and jump the line before too many others do.





4:05 AM: Chris arrives, walking past hundreds of angry patrons to take his spot at the front of the line. He brings a hot beverage as a cover, claiming that he only came to warm his wife up.


4:10 AM: Kate complains of how cold her bum is. Chris offers to rub it to warm it up. She declines.

4:40 AM: ‘Vultures’ arrive, standing in the parking lot, waiting for the line to start moving so they can surreptitiously slip in with the rest of the crowd. They pretend to be disinterested, sipping coffee and quietly chatting.





4:45 AM: Store manager makes the announcement that line jumpers will be denied service and escorted from the premises. The vultures, undaunted, sip their coffee and stare with their beady little eyes.

4:50 AM: Chris and Kate review the ‘game plan’ one more time, putting their ‘game faces’ on.

5:00 AM: The doors open. As they enter the store, Chris hears a line jumper behind him yelling, 'Don't tase me, bro!' Chris veers to the left to pursue video games. Kate makes a dash for the toy section. An astute store clerk sees Kate coming and pushes a cart into the aisle. Kate grabs it mid stride and bolts for the back of the store.

5:05 AM: Chris takes his video game stash and makes for the toy section. He finds Kate holding a blue haired septuagenarian in a ‘full nelson’ because the elder tried to steal an item from Kate’s overflowing cart of toys.

5:06 AM: As they try to push against the crowd toward the front of the store, Kate is distracted by some fleece blankets. Chris uses his body to cover the cart, to prevent another attempted pilfering.

5:08 AM: Kate and Chris pass a Target employee who is cowering under a clothing rack in the fetal position, looking for ‘a happy place’.

5:09 AM: Fight breaks out over who has claim to the last sale copy of ‘Friends’ season one on DVD. Kate and Chris contemplate stopping to watch the bloodshed, but decide against it.

5:12 AM: The Shirleys pay for their items, rejoicing both at the fact that they did not have to wait in line to pay, and about the fact that they ‘saved’ so much money on Christmas presents.

5:17 AM: The booty is loaded into the van, and the Shirleys leave the Target parking lot as customers continue pouring into the store.


6:00 AM: After stashing the goods in a secret location, the Shirleys arrive at home. Chris again offers to help Kate warm up. She again declines, and they go to bed.